GPS – Love’s Steadfastness, Consultant

by Rick Shrader

Note: This series will consist of five phases: Created-parenting, Pre-parenting, Parenting, Post-parenting, Grand-parenting. Each of these phases will have four sections

Section 3. Love’s Steadfastness–Consultant (article #15)

You are almost to the end of your job. You’re looking forward to being a senior and a grandparent.  The children whom you raised are on their own and settling into their own path. Perhaps they have found a mate and are having their own children. Perhaps one is moving through higher education or into a growing  career. You have walked with them through struggles and the changes in life. A couple more things need to be considered at this time in your life, however, as you continue parenting long distance. One is your prayer life (the last article in this phase) and the other is your role as consultant.

Your kids are not you

I know it’s a disappointment. Why wouldn’t the child you raised and taught want to be just like dad or mom? Well, because they are their own person made uniquely in God’s image, “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psa. 139:14). God has entrusted you with His project and you are watching their graduating years.

Who is this person? Seeing your adult child should bring you joy and satisfaction. Even when it does, you can be pleasantly surprised at how independent and capable this new adult has become. He or she is making life-changing decisions and tackling major obstacles with ease and maturity. Don’t be surprised, this young adult got his training from you! But one other thing needs to be remembered, you gave this child to God for His purpose and He says, “Behold, all souls are mine; the soul of the father as well as the soul of the son is Mine” (Ezek. 18:4).

A mixture of generations. It is always amazing to see that the same children who grew up in your house, having the same parents and grandparents, with the same values, going to the same school and church, could grow up to be so different! Besides the fact that every individual is different genetically, all of life’s experiences and human contacts influence us uniquely. I am one of four siblings but we are very different and yet the same. Perhaps it is because I spent more time with one grandfather whereas my older brother spent more time with the other grandfather and the differences show themselves two generations later.

A combination of families. In addition to the variations within a family tree, when that child marries, a whole different set of family traits enters the genetic pool and personality. We should welcome this. God made marriage in the garden of Eden and intended from the beginning that a man should leave father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they should become “one flesh.” We may call that person “son-in-law” or “daughter-in-law” but from now on they are equals in the family and their background will also become evident in your grandchildren.

You are an advisor/consultant

             I didn’t even say the advisor or consultant! I’m satisfied to be one of the first go-to sources for life’s problems and choices. A few years ago (2018) Josh Mulvihill revamped a Focus on the Family chart showing five phases of parenting: Caregiver; Commander; Coach; Counselor; Consultant (Grandparenting, p. 84). The phases take us from being in total control in those early years, to simply having a purposeful influence in the lives of our adult children in our later years. That purposeful influence is now your primary job.

Your new role. Andreas and Margaret Köstenberger wrote, “If you are a father or mother, you’ll always be a father or mother. The nature of your relationship with your children will change over time, and will most likely turn into a close friendship, if all goes well. But there’ll always be a sense in which you can provide guidance and share your life experience with the next generation” (Parenting Essentials, p. 138). It’s very possible that we could miss this opportunity if our work in life has been only to stay young, be an active partner is our children’s lives, or even be angry about our own mortality. These years should be the goal, not the disappointment in life.

One among equals. Close friendship with our adult children is a blessing I hope we all enjoy, but such a friendship is still not equal. It is between two different and changing lives. When I say “one among equals” I mean that your adult child is an adult, and in many ways equal to you in ability, intelligence, and influence. The reason we are now consultants and not controllers is that they have become what we have always wanted them to become—independent adults! The new role you are now experiencing demands that you speak as adult to adult and not in a condescending way.

Passing you by. An added blessing to this new role is that in many ways, and very soon, you will see your children actually passing you by in ability, intelligence and influence. “A wise son makes a glad father” (Prov. 10:1). Perhaps you had to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps, so to speak. You had life goals, but the challenges of life put boundaries around what could actually be accomplished. Now you look at your son or daughter and realize they are (or are on a path to) becoming much more in life than you have been able to achieve. What a blessing! You are leaving behind a legacy that is growing and affecting the world far beyond what one person in one generation could do. “Blessed is the man who fears the LORD, who delights greatly in His commandments. His descendants will be mighty on the earth; the generation of the upright will be blessed” (Psa. 112:1-2).

You need to let them go   

Oh, sure, we will never totally let our children go. But as those arrows in Psalm 127, they are made to fly, not sit in the quiver. The Psalm ends, “They shall not be ashamed, But shall speak with their enemies in the gate” (vs. 5). When the arrow hits the target, all the preparation becomes worth it, and how well it did it becomes our present joy.

It isn’t easy. It isn’t easy to realize that you are not the controller anymore. It isn’t easy to realize that you are growing older and things move slower and with more difficulty than they once did. Too many  seniors let this time make us angry or discouraged, and there is plenty to be angry or discouraged about in this life! You don’t always have to hang on to your role as the final authority. Sure, there might be some areas left where you alone have an answer, but for the most part you are handing the reigns to a smart and maturing generation.

It is satisfying. In our “empty-nest” house now, with our children being long-distance, it seems my wife talks more with our two daughters and I talk more with our two sons. However, I enjoy hearing all four voices sound so grown up and mature. They are handling life’s problems with wisdom that is surprising; no, satisfying. In fact, we often are asking our children for their advice. Both of my sons are beyond me in many ways. We (or at least I) enjoy the discussion of various topics as equals. I remember that Emerson once wrote, “In every man there is something I may learn of him, and in that I am his pupil.” It is a great thing when that person is your own child!

It is our purpose. I would like to say with David from that great Psalm, “O LORD, You are the portion of my inheritance and my cup; You maintain my lot. The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places; yes, I have a good inheritance” (Psa. 16:5-6). I read a man who said, “I have accomplished about all I’m going to accomplish in life. I don’t have much left to do.” There may be a narrow sense in which that is true. But for the Christian family man or woman, we don’t want to leave it there. Our work for God is continuing and growing in our children. They are in many professions. They live in various parts of the country or world. They are expanding on the things we have taught them. God’s message is being preached in all the world. It’s not that we have nothing left to do. We have generations left to finish the race we have begun.