GPS – Empty House, Quiet Years

by Rick Shrader

Note: This series will consist of five phases: Created-parenting, Pre-parenting, Parenting, Post-parenting, Grand-parenting. Each of these phases will have four sections.

Section 4. Empty House–Quiet Years (article 12)

“Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth. Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them; they shall not be ashamed, but shall speak with their enemies in the gate.” (Psalm 127:4-5). Parenting extends for the life of one’s children. There is that time between when children leave home and marry and when one becomes a grandparent. The house is empty and that hasn’t happened for quite a few years.

The Nest Empties

Someone has said, though the pains of childbirth were strong, nothing compares to the pain of watching a child leave home. It has been 20 or more years that the house has been busy with activity. Now there is a sudden quietness that brings both satisfaction and disappointment.

The arrows fly. According to Psalm 27, these arrows that have been formed over time with patience and skill, must be released. They have been carefully designed to fly straight and hit their target. The success will be, according to the Psalm, if they “speak with their enemies in the gate.” That is, children are now  adults and will go out into a competitive world with wisdom and maturity. Even when they do, parents are both happy and sad. Happy, that the years of training have been successful, sad that these “young” adults are not continuing to grace the home with their presence. But as the successes come, mom and dad take satisfaction in seeing these arrows fly straight.

Ready or not. This time of leaving home is a huge step in any person’s life and the child may be ready for it or not. Some are ready but do not want to go. Some are not ready though they very much want to go. A parent hopes that the child is ready and that he or she wants to go with a certain reluctance. I remember getting our oldest child settled at Bible College and tears filling my eyes as I drove away. But when she came home for Christmas and said how much she enjoyed it and was doing well, there was only satisfaction.

It doesn’t always go smoothly. Some years ago Time magazine invented the term “twixters.” This described children who remained between childhood and adulthood and often could not or would not leave home. The Brits called them kippers, “kids in parents’ pockets eroding retirement.” It is simply a fact that some children mature faster than others.

Not really empty. Perhaps the familiar description, “empty nest,” is a misnomer. First, if your child has now married, a new son or daughter has entered your life. Welcoming that one into the family begins a life-long relationship that becomes as strong as any. Second, and more importantly, even when the last child goes, the nest isn’t really empty because both of you are still there! We will explore the wonderful years of “post” parenting and grandparenting in future articles. But empty nest is a concept created by God. Adam and Eve were designed to have children and then to see “a man leave father and mother and be joined to his wife” (Gen. 2:24). After all, God’s own Son left home for a proper and good reason (Phil. 2:5-7).

Their Wandering Years

Every married couple starts out wandering for a while. You both were at this stage one time. Your parents were watching you with love, curiosity, and prayers and you made it all right. Now you are on the other side of the fence watching your own children find their way in life.

Completing a task. It will take a few years (sometimes five to ten) for a son or daughter to finish school, get a job, get married, and really be settled. Sometimes this happens while the child is still at home  and sometimes while he or she is away at college or even working and living on their own. That can only be determined by the circumstances one chooses as God’s will. This time, however, is also a time of completing the preparation for life’s calling. A good college (preferably a Christian college if the child is away from home) will be designed to finish the child’s adult training. If the child is working or studying from home, mom and dad must complete this task during these in-between years.

Expensive, exasperating. For parents, both in the child’s single years and also in the early married years, this can be a trying time. Housing is very expensive, cars break down, both secular and religious college is expensive, and numerous emergencies always pop up. Unfortunately, during these early years, the child’s or couple’s income is woefully inadequate to meet the needs. Parents have to be judicious. It is too easy to simply be the parental ATM machine and hurt rather than help the child’s development. On the other hand, they are still your children and you may be able to help. Pray for wisdom to know the difference between the tough love and the tender love. These experiences will stick with them the rest of their lives.

Finding that junction. This time in life is more than a mere junction in the road; it is more like a round-a-bout. There are many exits to take to get off of this circle and most go in the wrong direction. One of the worst is marrying the wrong person for the wrong reasons. Another is taking the wrong job which promises to be productive but turns out very disappointing. Unwise and unproductive friends may only pull one deeper and deeper into debt and foolishness. In addition to these wrong off-ramps, the lusts of the flesh are numerous in today’s immoral and immodest world and will only cloud the mind with sin. Among these choices is the will of God for young couples. Good training must merge with prayer and guidance.

When Your Child Calls Home

Somewhere in this time frame, a child will get it together. Even the prodigal son had to “come to himself.” A Christian family that has raised the child to be wise and spiritual will see that child make right decisions and go on to a productive Christian life of service. As we have seen earlier, Proverbs 22:6 (“Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it”) is not an inviolable rule but a truism that goes with the child through these critical times. The wise child calls home, or comes home, or at least returns to his parents’ advice and his own personal faith.

Disappointments. Hardships may come in a young person’s life, not out of rebellion but simply because life is tough and the road can be hard. An unplanned hospital bill can turn a career up-side-down. An unwise purchase of an automobile or even a house can saddle a young couple with debt and bad credit for years. School bills from recent years come knocking at the door and can’t be avoided. These cannot be undone by wishing. Yet these are lessons in life that must be dealt with in a wise way.

When the phone rings. When your child turns to mom and dad, you need to be there. Proverbs begins by saying, “The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction” (1:7). The next statement is, “My son, hear the instruction of your father, and do not forsake the law of your mother; for they will be graceful ornaments on your head, and chains about your neck” (Prov. 1:8-9). When your child comes to you for wisdom and instruction, be there with love and biblical advice.

Becoming counselors. These experiences are thrusting you, as parents, into the stage of life as counselors whether you like it or not. Prepare your heart to love it and be thankful that such a time is afforded you. You won’t always have specific answers to your child’s questions or problems but you will also be amazed at the wisdom the Lord does give at these times. Be thankful that your child has turned to you because he loves you and he wants your companionship through this trial. Spend this year reading the book of Proverbs every month (31 chapters for 31 days). Saturate your mind with God’s Word. Be thankful for this time of your life.