Note: This series will consist of five phases: Created-Parenting, Pre-Parenting, Parenting, Post-Parenting, and Grand-Parenting. Each of these phases will have four sections.

Second Phase: Pre-Parenting (series articles 5-8)

Section Four: The Homebuilder Stage-Cohesion (article #8)

“Through wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches” (Prov. 24:3-4). The wedding is done, the honeymoon is over. Now the young couple must get down to the business of building a home for God.

The Wandering Years

Junctions in the road. An often overlooked factor in our lives is how much directional changes matter when we come to a junction in the road. At this early stage of marriage, career choices are made which will determine and change many future circumstances in lives. The location of that choice will affect church, family connections, budget, housing, where your first child may be born, and perhaps where they might begin school. Many young couples feel they are on a round-a-bout looking for the right exit.

Consider Paul’s second missionary journey across Galatia as the Lord closed the door to Asia, then to Bithynia, and finally opened the door to Macedonia. Any of these junctions would have changed Paul’s life and ministry, including the lives of those who traveled with him. Yet he still concluded that “The Lord had called us” (Acts 16:10). God often directs by closed and opened doors.

Decision making. God will not give you a miraculous vision as He did with Paul. But He will work by His providence in the circumstances of your life. These include, most of all, a surrendered life, prayer, and knowing life principles from God’s Word. Rebellion, sinful practices, ignoring God’s commands, will rob you of the wisdom needed to understand good and bad choices. There must be biblical priorities in your young marriage that will recognize open and closed doors. Will this keep us from God’s house? Will this choice put us in compromising situations morally? Will this choice bring us together or push us apart? Be wise and be careful.

Perhaps you realize you made an unwise choice. This isn’t the end of the road. Life is a long time. Fulfill your obligations, learn from your mistake, commit the next decision to God, and make a clearer choice next time. “The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord, and He delights in his way. Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down, for the Lord upholds him with His hand” (Psa. 37:23-24).

Longevity and principle. It is a great feeling to know you’ve made a good decision. You begin to put down roots and build a life. You are serving in a good church. You enjoy your job. Your marriage is flourishing. If this can last for many years, count it a blessing from God. Nothing is without difficulties and challenges but these are things by which we grow. Longevity is good. Yet, not every situation is as rosy as that. Sometimes the physical situation seems positive but the inward principles are being regularly tested. This is true in church-related ministry and in life’s faith-related work. Great men and women, great families, have equally found long-term and short-term situations. Principle is good too. In fact, it is most important. Your faith and your family are the most important things in your life. These must be protected at all costs. David sometimes fought and sometimes fled. Paul sometimes stayed and confronted a situation and sometimes fled to the next city. One man’s situation is not another’s. Be true to convictions.

The Stabilizing Years

The wandering years tend to wane as the married couple becomes more settled. Too much moving around is very costly and tiresome. But having learned some good lessons, it is time to find that more permanent location.

The physical factors. The married couple walks away from the marriage altar with little material goods. There may be some family endowments but more likely there are only hand-me-downs and used equipment. Everything is expensive these days and large items such as a place to live, a reliable vehicle, and just keeping food on the table, can be overwhelming on a minimal budget. A valuable life lesson, if it can be learned, is that you don’t have to have everything right away and you don’t have to keep up with the Joneses, whom you don’t know anyway. Part of the adventure in life is building the assets of the home a step at a time. “Better is a little with righteousness, than vast revenues without justice” (Prov. 16:8).

The marital relationship. We have been speaking of the marital relationship throughout these articles. A biblical marriage covenant includes the husband as the head of the home and the wife as a valuable helper while both are equal souls before God. The planning of children is a gift from God including the biblical principles of discipline and instruction. It may be that both have to work at the beginning while the house is being established, but the reversal of roles in leadership or relationship is not God’s plan.

The extended family. Writing as a parent of four adult, married children and a grandparent of eleven grandchildren, I have observed the important relationship among various extended family members. From my side I have learned how to help but let go. I have learned how the parenting and grandparenting roles change as the years go by. Helicopter parenting, hovering over the children’s home, or unwittingly interfering too much in their marriage are ways of hurting, not helping, your children’s home. My four children are still my primary responsibility (both knowing when to let go and knowing when to help) and their children are still their primary responsibility.

I have also learned how children can either take advantage of the help of older wisdom or shun it to their disadvantage. Both sides should avoid hurtful words that can not be retrieved. The key is to find that middle or comfortable ground where parents and children work out a good relationship. “Wisdom rests quietly in the heart of him who has understanding” (Prov. 14:33).

The Conviction Years

Every believer has convictions. They may be biblical and correct or they may be personal and incorrect. Convictions may be carried over from the way one was raised or from observing the way someone else was raised. A lack of conviction comes from the opposite of these things. Marriage always means there is work to be done.

Blending two lives. Married couples always live with three marriages—his parents’ marriage, her parents’ marriage, and their own marriage. This is almost impossible to avoid. The first years are difficult because your own marriage has no history but those other two have long histories. The blending of these factors into your own shared history can be frustrating. Many Christian marriages never took time to work on these factors before dating, engagement, or marriage. It is for this reason that pre-marital counseling and decision making is important.

Love is not the first or even the guiding factor in marriage. God commands us not to marry an unbeliever. This eliminates a huge portion of candidates before love ever enters. God commands us to marry only the opposite sex. That eliminates half the population (I’m sorry I even have to mention this factor). We should be able to add, avoiding those believers who do not and will not share your biblical doctrine. This is far more important than dating couples ever realize. I have counseled many good Christian men and women who broke a relationship because they realized they could not change biblical belief even for love. Christians should first and foremost want to serve and honor God in a marriage for the rest of their lives. Everything else can be built upon that.

Local church affiliation. These first few years of change and adapting will likely create the need to find a good church. Local church membership and participation must be a “given” in marriage not only because it is commanded by God (Heb. 10:25) but also because this gives marriage (and children yet to come) the biblical priorities that build a godly home. As a pastor for many years, I have observed the difficulty for any family trying to find a good church. This is true, sadly enough, in almost any locality. This is also why church life should always be one of the most important considerations in making a change in job that would involve a change in location.

Ministry priority. In addition to personal convictions and commitment to a local church, a Christian husband and wife should want to be involved in the ministry of their church and perhaps even other outreach opportunities. Attendance is important but so is involvement. Worship is important and so is serving. Balancing the two is what takes wisdom. In addition, besides the natural service in one’s local church, changes of location and jobs involve circumstances that can limit or enhance ways to serve the Lord through testimony and witness. These should be priorities when those decisions are being made.