GPS – The Old Dinosaur, Young Adults

by Rick Shrader

Note: This series will consist of five phases: Created-parenting, Pre-parenting, Parenting, Post-parenting, Grand-parenting. Each of these phases will have four sections.

Section 3. The Old Dinosaur—Young Adults

“Remember now your Creator in the says of your youth, before the difficult days come, and the years draw near when you say, ‘I have no pleasure in them’” (Ecc. 12:1). The grandparenting years are not all bad, but one of the “difficult” things about being a grandparent is that your grandchildren aren’t as attached to you as they once were.

Little children become big children. The time of hands-on involvement gradually becomes a more distant observation. Since these years are so important to children, they are also important to parents and grandparents. The years go by quickly and all-of-a-sudden, those cuddly little ones are stand-offish teens. The love is still there from both directions, but personal relationships and shows of affection seem to be increasingly awkward.

About being out of date

The Scriptures clearly teach that younger believers should honor the older believers. Part of this honor must come from interaction. However, the current culture, even the current religious culture, seems to have fostered more disconnect than connection. How has this happened?

Intergenerational relationships. One author defines this relationship as every age group being equally important. Another says that all ages must always intermingle in social settings. There are positives and negatives to this kind of relationship. The positives are obvious for family and church. Yet, a negative may be that seniors are no longer seen as different than any other age. In most active intergenerational settings, the seniors will have to be rather inactive. Physical impairments (poor eyesight, hearing, accident prone) will place the senior at a distinct interactive  disadvantage. Grandpa and grandma can become mere observers and non-participants.

Independency of seniors. If being interactive can be a disadvantage, being independent is an obvious disadvantage. Grandparents may not be around at all. The current culture often separates seniors into senior-only living situations, financial independency, traveling to “check all the boxes” before one dies, and various other forms of being independent. Grandchildren don’t live as close to grandparents as in earlier generations. Grandparents who desire to have a positive effect on children and grandchildren need to counter the urge of being too independent.

Interconnectivity of youth. All of us have noticed how people of all ages are buried in their “devices” or smart-phones. A waiting room full of people may be eerily silent because no one is talking and all are reading (or doing something) on their phones. It would actually be impolite to try to address someone vocally. Children are learning this cultural trait very early. In fact, they are probably more adept at using the screen than 90% of the adults in the room! The result of this cultural phenomenon is a recent disconnect among the generations and even among the young generation itself.

Letting go

Larry Fowler wrote, “As a grandparent, you have already released control, and you shouldn’t be trying to take it back.” Having noticed the cultural challenges, Christian adults must be counter-cultural. This doesn’t mean forcing oneself on the younger ones, or insisting on family rules that are to your advantage. Rather, it means having personal understanding of their situation at this time in life.

The natural growing period. Grandchildren are quickly growing up. The early stages of seeing grandparents as gray champions go by too fast. This is mostly natural though it can be mixed with times of disobedience as well. Preschool children must go on to school age and then to adolescence and teens. This is a difficult time in the life of any child. The little one that had no inhibitions toward grandpa now is overly concerned with appearance and peer approval. Giving hugs and embraces just isn’t cool. It is rather awkward. The wise grandparent realizes this and gives the child the space for which he asks. It is not disrespect, but just growing up. I must admit, however, I love it when that grandson or granddaughter gives grandpa a real bear-hug!

The goal of raising children. How does the child go from a toddler to an adult? He must pass through these stages in life just as mom and dad did. Surely grandparents have learned this by now! If the arrow in the quiver (Psalm 127) is ever to fly on its own and hit the target, it must be shaped and reshaped again and again to make that moment happen. The shaping process is hard work and takes much longer than the letting go. But when those arrows speak “with their enemies in the gate,” the whole process becomes very satisfactory.

The goal of getting older. Remember the five life phases of parenting (caregiver, commander, coach, counselor, consultant)? This is the grandparent’s map of getting older and living with children and grandchildren. What makes a grandparent relevant? It is not staying young, or stylish, or best. It is growing into the graying years with godliness and honesty. “The silver-haired head is a crown of glory, If it is found in the way of righteousness” (Prov. 16:31). During that journey we will pass through the time of our grandchildren’s young adulthood. We will be the old dinosaur for a while. But, “this too will pass.”

Staying in touch

The phrase “staying in touch” was originally a military marching term for soldiers to stay in formation by keeping elbow-to-elbow contact with the soldier next to them. It only recently became an expression related to communication. Both may be applicable to our discussion. The family is a sort of formation by generation. We each have our individual disciplines to keep in order for the family to march together. But since the world is in constant contact, we also have the advantage of constant communication.

The parents are the key. I have made the point already that these kids belong to their parents first, and then to you as grandparents. If we are to continue our relationship with the grandchildren, it must be through and with the parents. This should not be too difficult (though it often is) because these are your children and have been your first responsibility. This gives you a chance to re-connect with your children at this time in life. We have enjoyed weekends and outings with our children because it also is time with our grandchildren, a win-win situation.

Take the long look. Remember that your grandchildren are going through life’s necessary stages. Only recently have my wife and I had solo time with some of the grandkids due to car rides, coffee stops, or just sitting around the house. It is amazing how knowledgeable these little ones have become! These are the times we were hoping for during those more awkward years. We are also blessed during our visits to attend church with kids and grandkids and even seeing all of them participating in leadership at the church. These things in themselves are times when the “old dinosaur” is being honored as “my grandfather.”

The grandchildren need you. I will emphasize again how important it is that seniors accept the role and wear it properly. The little ones actually need the old dinosaurs around during their growing years. It only takes one time for the older grandchild to say, “Grandpa (or Grandma), I remember once when you said . . .” If being an “elder” in the home is a biblical title, then we ought to wear it correctly and be thankful we have this ministry to our children and grandchildren.

“And he will turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers” (Mal. 4:6).